So I had a pleasant morning. The night was kind of restless. L and I kept tossing and turning in bed. But this morning I woke up, took a shower, and laid on top of The Boy all soaking wet and warm. Then I jumped up and stood on the scale. Amazingly it read 134 freaking pounds! I know I know, its still hefty. But HEY this is exciting. Hopefully, soon, I’m going to post what L and I did last night (I’ll give you a clue, it involves lots of rope!).
1. Acne. L, my lover, has made it blatantly clear that he is repulsed by my bacne. When it was pretty bad he wouldn’t even have sex with me without my shirt on. I mean, he didn’t even simply NOT take it off. He would say, outright, “take off your pants, leave your shirt on.” As if I’m not going to KNOW what that’s about. And later he said to me “when you are 25 you are going to be drop-dead georgous, you’ll finally grow into yourself, and your acne will clear up.” For fucks sake, this summer, its ON. I’m going to the pharmacy RIGHT now to fill my birth control perscription and the new anti-biotic that the dermatologist gave me.
2. My belly weight. Both Dev and L have tried to have sex with me in front of a mirror, and then CLEARLY changed their minds. Nobody compliments me on my body anymore. I mean, my tits, my ass, even my legs. But my tummy is very hush-hush. I’ve decided that, in addition to my extreme dieting, I’m going to add ONE tummy workout to my routine (I fucking HATE working out, so one is pushing it). Its called a pinwheel, and I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I guess I’ll find out.
3. Not entirely sure. N, my best friend, said that she showed my Facebook pictures to some guy, and he was unimpressed. Then she said “you need to get some hot pictures of yourself on facebook.” How do I take that? Am I unattractive overall? Seriously?
…I’m going to muster up some courage and willpower and sort my life out. I’ve tried to incorporate all of the “good things” in life, sacrificing as little as possible, taking the bad with the good. But in the end, the only way to achieve the things I want is to suffer a little. I’ve done this before, I can do it again.
Things I want:
1. I want to be thin. “You should exercise, and eat healthily, and be patient, C.” FUCK that shit! I HAD patience, as I would fall in and out of every miserable workout ruitine and diet I could find. And at the end of every single one I would get discouraged, quit, and stuff my face with chocolate mousse. As the months past since last summer, my weight slowly crept up on me, and when I hit 140 pounds shit got real. I’ve been here before. And then I lost the weight and got to 109 pounds! I looked beautiful. I was miserable, but beautiful.
2. Improve my photography. I have been working on my photography for about six months now. Every single day I ask myself what I should be photographing. I can’t copy my artistic muses anymore. I need my photography to reflect my life. This way it will be real, honest, undeniably ME.
3. Make new friends. I have spent the last year losing virtually all of my friends (especially the female ones). It has come to my attention that this has happened as a result of my own ignorance and self-absorbed bitching. I have been desperately DESPERATELY seeking love for a very long time. I need to knock this shit out, and find some REAL love: friendship.
4. Increased sexual prowess. So I have had a lot of partners. A lot of partners. I really love sex. I figure that since I am eliminating food and dating from my list of vices, and I need some kind of physical attention, not to mention a project, this would be perfect. I can work on flexibility, dominance, and general lovering. It helps that I have the perfect lover for the job!
